Should you date a second time if you have not felt any physical attraction?
Whether you realize it or not, first dates always come with unspoken traps. You’re trying to figure out certain things – for example, do we laugh about the same things? Can we keep a conversation going? And last but not least: Am I attracted to this person? Many people agree that the physical chemistry has to be right for a relationship to be mutually fulfilling in the long run – but it’s hard to know when sparks will fly. So if you don’t feel physical attraction on a first date, should you go on a second date or leave it alone?
To say the least, physical attraction is a complicated thing. Sometimes it strikes like lightning – for example, when you see a particularly attractive person on the streetcar. In other cases, it’s more of a slow flare-up. From my own experience, I can say that I was not immediately attracted to my current husband, with whom I have been married for several years now. It was his personality that initially attracted me to him: He was laid back, incredibly patient, loving, and did so in a very intriguing, self-deprecating way. Over time, as I came to appreciate all of his qualities and character, the physical attraction grew quite quickly – it was like seeing him through different eyes. Some clients I have encountered over the years of coaching have told me similar experiences. They tell me that they weren’t particularly attracted to their partner the moment they met, but that changed once they had some time to build a deeper connection (and he had spruced up his wardrobe).
“Sometimes you have to get to know someone better before you can develop a physical attraction to them,” says me, Christine Stegmann, dating expert. If you didn’t feel a physical attraction on the first date, experts advise you to give it a second chance.
With the first dates it is tricky: They can be very intimidating. Experts including myself compare dating to job interviews, which can feel formal and stiff and often build up a lot of pressure. The anxiety that often comes with trying to make a solid first impression can make it very difficult for both people to relax and be themselves, which in turn can hinder any potential connection you might feel. If your date seems a little closed off, distracted, or awkward, it makes them less attractive in your eyes. But the reality is that nervousness on a first date may be preventing the other person from being themselves. That’s just one reason why experts recommend giving your date a second chance if you didn’t feel a physical connection right away – assuming, of course, that you had a good conversation.
There’s another factor to consider. Some people fixate on a very specific image of what is physically attractive, which can cause them to cancel dates hastily. “Sometimes we are attracted to things that we have been socially raised to be attracted to, which may not be attainable or even what we are really looking for. In other words, convincing yourself that you have a certain physical “type” can limit you in your search for love. Even though it’s important to be physically attracted to your partner, it’s not always easy to tell if the potential is there on a first or second date because you subconsciously measure it against certain standards. For example, if your date doesn’t look like the last three people you’ve dated, you might be convinced that he/she isn’t the one for you. Therefore, you should always try to let your brain “catch up” and feel the physical attraction by going on another date.
If you didn’t feel physical attraction on your first date, it may be because you have preconceived notions.
So if you enjoyed your time with your date, but didn’t feel the physical spark, my advice is to go on three dates to explore the situation. If you still don’t feel chemistry, that’s fine. At least you’ll know you tried.
Of course, if you haven’t felt an intellectual, emotional, or other connection, you may decide to immediately draw the consequences and gamble on another chance. However, if you really enjoyed your date’s company, you don’t want to wonder what if…? Do you really want to write off the date just because you didn’t want to rip his clothes off at the end of the night? Besides, how important is physical attraction anyway? Certainly, it plays a role when it comes to sex, which may or may not play an important role in your relationship. However, by and large, it is often overestimated how important it is to a couple’s bond.
When you’re in really existential situations in a relationship, you don’t think about whether someone is tall enough or has a thick head of hair. Rather, what becomes important then is whether the person is reliable and has integrity. Do you really want to reject someone who is great in that regard just because they don’t meet a certain standard?
On a first date, people tend to be reserved, and the lack of informality that comes with that can erase any chance of sparks flying. What can help: Instead of sitting across from your date at the coffee shop, sit next to the person. This often offers greater chances for a connection to build. Also, sitting at right angles to each other provides more opportunities to break the touch barrier, such as touching your partner’s arm or leg when they say something funny.
Only you know if it’s worth meeting someone a second time, so as with all dating dilemmas, trust your gut and keep the above things in mind. Don’t focus on what you missed (the physical attraction), but think about the positive things you experienced or saw on the first date to decide how to move forward. And if you still can’t decide whether or not to plan a second date, you can always follow up by saying, “When in doubt, better arrange a second date. “
Often, subconscious behavior patterns have a strong influence on dating success. Often, these behaviors hinder one’s lifestyle, a new partnership, and most importantly, one’s satisfaction. One is often so caught up in this thinking that one does not recognize the right and often easy way and has to realize to end up in the hamster wheel again and again.
In coaching, we support you in recognizing such patterns, breaking them up and replacing them with new ones. There is no wrong or right way. The question is always: Does the pattern work or does it not work with regard to the desired goal?
Do you still have questions about Flirtcoaching by Christine Stegmann? Inform yourself at any time free of charge and without obligation or arrange your first, individual flirt coaching appointment today.
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