“Doesn’t everything happen for a very specific reason” – if we are to find our dream partners?

In the Brothers Grimm fairy tale “Sleeping Beauty,” the young king’s daughter lies peacefully on a bed, waiting for a prince to master the dangerous hedge of thorns and wake her with a kiss from her miserable, death-like slumber of being single. She just lies there and sleeps and sleeps and sleeps…. strange, isn’t it? Could have been some other kind of release from her sleep, after all.

It has often been said that our ideas about love have been distorted by fairy tales and movies. For example, they have taught us women to believe that men will always impress us physically and mentally, and from an early age we are indoctrinated with the desire to be protected and saved. Although we all know this is an inaccurate representation of true love, this narrative is still pervasive. The “prince on a white horse in shining armor” syndrome is simply something that women cannot get past.

As a matchmaker, I often hear successful, strong-willed women repeat very specific standard statements over and over again, usually in the form of idioms and unconscious speech patterns. You know what I’m talking about – the kind of quotes that are universally applicable in all walks of life and can be brought to the table over and over again because they just always fit somehow. So, almost imperceptibly, they have become part of the female internet ubiquity. Meant are statements like:

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“What is meant to be will always find a way.”

“You don’t find love, it finds you.”

I myself am not a cynic. If anything, I’m the opposite. I believe in true love, and I have experienced love. But to wait for that kind of love – to just sit there and wait for it – is just plain foolish.

Women have accomplished more today than in any previous generation. They run businesses, they run for office, they rule the world – or at least important states around the world. But these women, many of whom identify themselves as feminists, still take a passive approach to their love lives. They say “everything will work out,” even though they would never say that about other aspects of their lives. Women are proactive when it comes to their careers, fitness, friendships, and families, but they don’t take control of their personal lives in the same way. Setting a 5-year career goal or creating a step-by-step fitness plan for the next month is considered perfectly normal, but setting goals for your love life is almost unheard of. In this area, unlike all others, we still let men take the lead. We don’t send out the first message. We wait for him to call. We don’t text twice in a row. We don’t walk up to the cute guy in line at the bakery and say “hello” – we just stand there and shrug or stare at our phone. If he doesn’t approach us, we blame him. But I’m telling you that the fact that you’ll never date him is your fault, not his. This is not about chivalry. He could be the most chivalrous man out there, but you’re not even giving him a chance to prove it to you. You have to give him permission to flirt with you, so you often have to make the first move. And he can take it from there.

I recently came across a new app where men can make “date offers” to woo you. They plan a date – flowers, nice car, nice restaurant – and propose it to you. You can say “yes” or “no” based on their offer. This app assumes that chivalry is dead, and in this way, it wants to bring back the out-of-fashion classic courtship of the man and the woman. This app is dangerous, and it is a step in the wrong direction. Not only is it just a small step away from an escort service, but it goes against the principles of independence and success that women have fought for over the last century. Men should treat women well, but that should not be an economic convention.  We should choose our partners based on their qualities, not on their ability to take us out to the best restaurant in town.

So don’t fall victim to the princess syndrome. Do something about your love life. Write that first message to a guy on your favorite dating app. Approach that handsome stranger at the grocery store. Find out about my dating service and get set up by a “matchmaker.” And give those men who may not look like Prince Charming a chance. Make your best dating life happen – only you can do that.